Attention…what was I saying?
Okay, I guess my attention span really is that short. I started out putting on Zoë Keeting as relaxing music for nighttime preparation. That lasted half a track. Then I was wondering if I should go to bed or watch the new Doctor Who. I started watching Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind. While drawing for Eristic in GIMP. And talking to Kyra about her latest story. Then I paused that and started cleaning out my closet again. Then I started Grand Theft Auto IV, played one mission, and…started writing this blog post. I also had this brief fixation that I needed to get my license as soon as humanly possible…which lasted for about ten minutes. And now I’m writing a blog post. After which I will…not idea.
I guess that’s part of my problem with getting things done. Even if I make a list of things that seem important or worthwhile at x time, those same things won’t resonate with me at all when I go back and read them.
Full Time?
Ignoring how specious and nonsensical the entire concept of being “full time” really is – what exactly is stopping me from passing the mystical barrier? It comes down to a few major issues, really.
1. Sometimes I can’t be bothered to put on make up to go to a convenience store. Sorry.
2. The number of razors I would go through would make my mother want to harm me even more than…the number I go through now. Also the amount of irritation from shaving excessively each day can really screw your face up. This should very much become less of an issue soon.
3. Make up costs money. Even $4 foundation. I do not have money. I do not have employment.
4. And will not have employment once I do this unless I find the magic trans-friendly job. On campus ones qualify for that, from what I’ve heard, so at least once I’m back there that’s an avenue. But I am not yet.
5. While it’s getting far more difficult for me to do without going insane, there is the possibility of more shitty construction work – which requires pulling out boy mode. Though I suppose you could fudge gender lines and call it tomboy chic. But you’re not being socially female in that case, though…depending on “passability” you may not be anyway.
6. Family members who don’t know. This isn’t major, as up to the point of wearing a skirt – I can dress as femininely as I want and no one will really notice that much. But it’s very awkward to try to balance people who do know and people who don’t, and interact both ways.
Solutions:
1. Hair removal. It’ll get to the point where I don’t have to and…I’ll pass as well as I would with the make up – whatever that may be. Sure, there’s eyeshadow and stuff – but I basically meant coating my face in skin tone. There’s already a nice reduction going on, and it’s only going to get continually better.
2. The above. Also telling her to suck it, especially since my father is back in work.
3. If I don’t spend extravagantly, I can pull by. Though there is one major financial issue that I can’t write about here which would be a major monkey wrench. That depends largely on…therapist.
4. Deal. Or find that job. It could happen.
5. Do it, or don’t do it. Being a laborer doesn’t make you, “Not a girl.” And besides – the entire concept of all of this is dumb. No one even has to know.
6. Tell people. The place where this doesn’t work is people in their final stages of life – namely my great grandmother and my father’s mother. The latter I see pretty infrequently, so it’s really not a big issue. The former is since I’m going to be at family gatherings at her residence, not to mention the occasional visit…though we avoid that as much as possible now – sad to say.
So yeah, that’s the arguments both ways. I mean, without a doubt I’m going to do it by the end of August – pending massive disaster. I’m just really contemplating sooner.
How’s the weather?
Well frankly, it’s incredibly hot today. Well above ninety, I believe, though I don’t actually have anything to measure. Yup, that’s New England weather for you – determined to put everyone else’s mood swings to shame.
But actually, I was writing this because Paige is not agreeing with the weather. I can’t say that’s…entirely surprising, but since I built her in winter – I didn’t really know how it would go until now. Running the CPU fan hard even under basic tasks – the case fans seem to be oddly slow, it could just be me – but I’m used to the one from my old box giving serious force, these I can barely feel. Probably something not adjusting automatically, don’t know what I can do to fix that. But perhaps I should look.
This is silly
But silly as it is, I kind of don’t feel entirely comfortable seriously blogging about my life knowing that there’s actual people reading it. All two of you. So I’ve just been, uh…not blogging. There’s also the people finding this later issue, but that’s a little further off in my mind. Probably shouldn’t be, but is. So that’s it. For now…
Ticked off
I’m sorry, I was too busy stabbing you to read the rest of the title of your film transploitation flick. 
I swear I took my meds
It’s funny, I started this blog before I was even out to be a more serious counterpart to my dead original blog. That never happened until I came back to make it into my transition/trans life blog. Which is all well and cool, but it just seems like lately this has been a whole bunch of emotion spewing or linking to other things. The latter is…one of the main things that happens on blogs, and really the former is too for personal blogs so I guess it isn’t world ending – I just feel like I’m not posting any real content so much as using it as an outlet for when I’m upset and there’s no one around (online, because there’s never anyone around in real life) to listen to it.
And well, rather than use my blog as an emotional outlet I was thinking that I should give myself…an emotional outlet, something purely intended for that. Just a notebook or such. If I actually wrote things down throughout the course of the day, it would do a much better job of capturing my mood swings for whatever they’re worth. Which could be beneficial both because I wouldn’t just be keeping them to myself – and because it might, if I had the nerve to share my honest thoughts – give some insight into what the hell needs to be fixed with me. Because I was doing so much better for a while and now I’m no…again. So I think something about my meds needs to be adjusted. Or maybe it’s just my body that needs to be adjusted so that it isn’t always driving me mad with unrelated depression and self-loathing. So I will try to start doing that.
I really wasn’t that bad today for most of it. Didn’t have my bed because it’s leaked, I don’t tonight either. The leak is small enough that it’s proving to be hard to pinpoint. So I’m sleeping in the living room. Small bed. People in the morning who won’t shut up. Thankfully I did get back to sleep this morning. Would probably have been bad if I hadn’t.
Well that’s it, I guess I should start writing my diary now and let this go to rest. Kyra’s horror story was a little too good. Well not too good, but good enough that it made me start crying when I got to the end. Yeah. She is such a genius. Would be lovely if there was something that I did truly well.
On Being The Queen of TMI
Well I’ve deemed myself the “Queen of TMI” based on my answers to trans related questions of formspring that…really do not hold anything back. In some cases saying things my parents don’t know about me…which means I would be rather upset if they ever actually found the thing. But I like educating people about it, because there’s way too much ignorance on transgender issues. And if that takes saying things that are deeply personal, then so be it. And if it doesn’t…it’s just probably me wanting to get those deep dark secrets out anyways. Also workable. People are way too uptight about sex anyways, I suppose I’m setting a good example…sort of.
Also. Today. Want. Holding, comfort, cuddling, contact, sex. Constantly. Ridiculously. Well not quite constantly, I was depressed for like three hours and it died down…but the entire rest of the freaking day. And I don’t even know how I’m supposed to have sex given the chance. Because it would be with a girl, trans or otherwise. Probably the first one who showed even the slightest trace of interest in me (which apparently will never happen…on this side of the Atlantic). Not that I’m not into guys at all so much as that I’m not going there right now…at all. And lesbian relationships are so much more intimate. See – TMI! I win. Though it made me feel better that when I posted that in…the TMI thread on a forum – the next two girls below me posted that they know the exact same feeling.
Now that I’ve scarred all two of you, I’m going to say goodnight.
Disgusting
This is just disgusting. On so many levels. So very many levels.
Grr!
*potentially triggering*
There’s this horrible little voice in my head saying, “Just one cut, just one cut.” At 4am. Which is usually the worst times, bed – especially if I stayed up late. But there’s no such thing as one cut. Like there’s no such thing as one cigarette. One cut would be twenty, if not more. I must not give into this. The pathetic part is, the thing that keeps me from doing it is trying to convince my therapist that I’m stable enough to get hormones. Get. Yeah.
*no longer potentially triggering*
I was tempted to just pull an all nighter of browsing make up blogs since I’m looking to get up not long after nine and motivate my Mom to take me to the Salvation Army store in Hanover before Matt’s party. That’s not going to end well since she didn’t get us until 11:30 from D&D. There’s a lot that could be said about tonight’s session, but I’ve already written it once – and it’s about to be writ again in my diary.
Also Kyra says I’m an English major. Not should be. Am. And she kind of knows me better than I know myself in a lot of ways, so I may have just found the answer of what I should switch my major to if I do (it’s only an if at this point if there’s parents threatening to kill me). I’m not entirely sure I’m prepared for it though. So I’m still going to have to think about it. But I trust Ky’s judgement, though she may be a little biased as an English major herself.
What…ever…
Possibly with a swear word between the two. Helped a friend move today – from not quite 10:30 in the morning to 11 at night. Met his infamous mother, who doesn’t seem to have anything explicitly against my brother or I – at least not yet – but is slightly off her rocker, though not as badly so as I expected from the reputation. Smokes a lot, so everything smelled gross. Also, by the contents of her drawers, I’m going to say addicted to sleeping pills and pain meds of some sort. Managed to get splinters twice…with gloves on. Granted, thin gloves – not work gloves – but still unfortunate. At least came right out with minimal hassle both times, the second me having to grasp at it with my fingernails.
So me, my brother, and a large group of friends almost completely moved one third floor apartment into another third floor apartment. Took some furniture out by way of the balcony, onto the roof, and then lowered to the top of the Uhaul truck and the ground – only to find that, as we had been trying to convince his mother for hours, none of those things were actually going to get into the new apartment. Though no one really cared to try that hard with the sofa, but I don’t think it was happening, and the desk was just a huge waste of our fucking time. Took forever in the cold to lower, and we knew it was not going to happen. It doesn’t cost that much to buy a cheap replacement desk!
Eventually ended up in Jamie’s in Whitman at 10:00 since it would have killed my friend to give the half of us who were at the pizza shop that closed at 10 twenty minutes before it closed an order to put in. Ate mediocre pizza instead, woo hoo! At least it managed to produce enough food for all 11 of us on our budget, which I honestly did not think was going to happen. And of course my mother was late picking us up, but that kind of goes without saying.
@Jay regarding last post: Whether or not it’s a misdiagnosis I’m in no position to comment, but I do a damned decent job of producing along the right line of symptoms – plus having exactly the typical bipolar reaction to being put on antidepressants. I can’t say as I’m really in a position to comment on the matter. Dad will of course be in denial about it forever, seeing he’s still basically in some level of denial about Mom having MS – or at least it entailing any degree of debilitation. Of course, the fact that he phone stalks her also interferes with getting anything done, but FFS – if the woman needs to sleep, let her sleep. And don’t bitch about it incessantly. But that is neither here nor there. I apparently warranted lithium because shrinky woman thought I was going to kill myself. I was not, in all reality, overly suicidal at the time but whatever. My first reaction to seeing her was something along the lines of, “Get me away from this idiot” and that’s just how I feel about her professionally, personally…I don’t like her either. But still am kind of stuck there for the moment because my mother sees her and she works with my therapist, who is very good. But yes, I do not hold much faith in her competence. And the last message I got seeing her was that she wants to keep me on everything but the risperidone. I do, of course, have trouble sleeping – though not as bad as in my utter breakdown period that led into this – but no one seems to actually care about that fact. Actually, I’m being encouraged to keep in tune with Marc’s early days – 8:45 AM – despite the fact that if I can get to sleep by 1 AM on a normal day I would be doing pretty good. So that’s basically not happening, fortunately. Mom realizes it’s a dumb idea too. And in case you didn’t know, I’m not at BSC for a semester because of all of this – and I would prefer if that didn’t pass beyond your immediate household…or whatever you want to call it, you get my meaning.
Who’s feeding the rumor mill about me? I know mother hasn’t kept quite about me, well – at least not about that, but I didn’t realize that it had become common knowledge now. I don’t know how the proliferation of the gender business will work out. Gary in some way was told or figured it out, which is made easier by Brittany’s girlfriend. But beyond that I don’t know how far it’s spread. Or care overly right this second. Actually I’m wondering why I’m not in the shower since I rather smell. Guess I should attend to that.
Night all!
Prop me up with another pill
Are psych meds really supposed to help, or do they just make you feel progressively shittier until you finally are done with it and they don’t have to deal with you anymore? Argh. Hopefully something kicks in, in a good way, soon.
Right now I’m taking… .5mg risperidone twice daily, 900mg lithium at night, 1mg clonazepam at night (this one actually works, though my anxiety has been getting worse than it was lately…though still improved from where it started), and 2 25mg lamictal – which still is going to go up again. I keep getting told that the last one will start working as an anti-depressant soon. It has not. At least not that I can tell. Supposedly I’m improving, but that doesn’t make the whole business at all pleasant.
Other Christmas Stuff
My Christmas was kind of odd, since I already knew most all of what I was getting. In a few cases having already confiscated it before the actual occasion, like various lip glosses. And some of it was Salvation Army shopping clothes that were Christmas presents / not Christmas presents. Ambiguous as to whether they are for Christmas, or just for the general sake of buying me clothes that I needed because very few of mine fit after having lost weight. Oh, and I got chocolate on my entire outfit. Including a brand new white jacket. I put it in my pocket, and it melted. I am a dolt. So that was basically Christmas. I might make a more detailed post of the haul later, if I feel like it.
Also, my mini-me cousin called me “her” even after being loudly corrected by my grandmother. I loves her. Not just for that, but in general. Her father is lucky that I don’t have a job, or I could be the doting cousin.
Gifty!
Steam games make wonderful gifts (thank ya Lucy). And are cool in general, except for the whole not being able to resell them business. But still, as gifts – they work really awesomely. My Steam ID is “epeternally” by the way. I don’t think that’s a new piece of information to anyone who is reading this and cares, but just putting it out there.
In: Project Karaoke Fail
At my friend Amy’s birthday party, I had to do karaoke since I lose at Magic. And it’s on YouTube! Oh, love.
Fuck…yes…
No words for this.
In an historic move, the United States Senate, by a vote of 68 to 29, joined the House of Representatives in passing The Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act, which will be the first federal law to include gender identity and transgender people. Once signed by the President, this law will add sexual orientation, gender identity, gender and disability to the categories included in existing federal hate crimes law and will allow local governments who are unable or unwilling to address hate crimes to receive assistance from the federal government. President Obama has indicated that he will sign the bill into law.
Via Pam’s House Blend.
Your Album Art Is:
Death molesting a poorly drawn woman…in fog! Congrats random band, you win the fail contest of the day.*
*There was not actual contest, I just stumbled upon it and thought it was awfully amusing.
That’s different
Wow, we have struck random reporters knocking on my grandmother’s door conducting interviews with the local folk about the moving filming that is going on…right down the street from here. Yeah, there’s a cop on the corner preventing non-residents from going down the street. Something with Tom Cruise in it…and Cameron Diaz IIRC. It’s at least interesting, I suppose. And gives my great grandmother something to do, she’s pretty bored because of being wheelchair bound. Oh, and they’re going now. Shame my grandmother isn’t here, that would give them someone to interview. She was actually interviewed for a radio station this morning, I find out, but she likes to talk…a lot. Maybe given that it’s better that she wasn’t here.
Of the things and things
Well, I’m actually writing this blog post offline since I’m sitting in my grandmother’s thoroughly Internet free house whilst my mother makes a cake. Yes, cake! It’s not one specifically for my birthday, but one for me, my brother, and two of my friends for whom we are having a group birthday party at my house this weekend. And I might actually get my copy of Super Smash Brothers Brawl back, as my friend who borrowed it…in December…is actually coming. So I guess that’s a good thing.
Oh, so yeah…we’re going to have five guys sleeping over at my house tonight. And me. I just hope my brother doesn’t decide it’s a brilliant idea to put them up to some sort of mischief involving bothering me while I’m trying to sleep. I wouldn’t be surprised if some people are up to a ridiculous hour, but I’m simply not built that way. None of them know, about me being trans I mean. I get harassed for being “a girl” because of the way I act, which I just find funny now, but I haven’t told any of them. Except the one who borrowed Brawl, I’m closer to her – even though we don’t get to see each other as often as when we were in high school together. And she tends to be rather understanding in general. So, yeah, I guess I’ve got that. I wish I was further along…don’t we all. I wish I wasn’t having anxiety attacks all of the time – making it extraordinarily difficult for me to do anything. And so it is.
I kind of can’t believe it’s a revelation to my mother that I’m depressed. I may hide things well, I kind of have to, but I’m not that good. If you miss that, you’re just being oblivious. And she’s even asked before, but then again – her memory seems to be increasingly selective lately. Might be an MS thing. Or age. Or both. Ugh, I suppose I should tell her about some more of my issues so that maybe she could help. Except that even thinking about doing that…triggers anxiety that stops me from actually doing something. It seems like a vicious cycle. I feel pathetic right now, in case you didn’t notice. And I didn’t grab the reading for my English class on the way out of the room. Oops! So now I’m all worried about that. I was kind of trying to get out of there quickly since I needed to meet my mother since she had to have my brother to Stonehill at 10:30 and I didn’t want to make him late.
And I have a netbook! An MSI Wind U123. I really needed it since my other one is big and heavy…and likes to lose the video connection if you carry it around too much – especially with other things in my backpack. Which is more than a little bit convenient. It works well for what I need, though I just noticing right now that it gets unpleasantly warm if you’re typing on it for an extended period of time. I guess that means that I should stop now. Well, then – toodles!
